Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.