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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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02-18-2021 10:45
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I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.
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10-14-2019 03:39
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A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
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10-20-2019 09:04
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I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
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10-29-2019 09:00 by
Gabe
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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12-06-2019 09:14
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If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
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11-26-2019 11:13
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Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.
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11-22-2019 09:53
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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01-02-2020 10:44
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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01-07-2020 06:36
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
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01-15-2020 06:44
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My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
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01-28-2020 14:34
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"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
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03-03-2020 14:27
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I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.
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03-04-2020 06:12
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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03-05-2020 16:08
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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03-05-2020 16:35
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The only time I ever heard of panic buying was when the bartender yelled, LAST CALL
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03-12-2020 08:54
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How absorbent is a cabbage leaf? Asking for a friend.
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03-17-2020 13:36
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Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow
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03-18-2020 16:36
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Today's drink: The Quarantini. It's a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.
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03-19-2020 10:26
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Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?
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03-26-2020 11:08
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