Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
←Rate | 03-28-2012 21:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon born at a very young age.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 21:05 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!
←Rate | 05-23-2011 10:42 by Rashad Hammoud Comments (1)  

   messageicon If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 22:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.
←Rate | 04-03-2011 22:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.
←Rate | 08-07-2011 22:35 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
←Rate | 08-22-2011 09:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 12:45 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.
←Rate | 10-03-2011 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
←Rate | 10-12-2011 06:38 by Monkeyboy126 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:27 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.
←Rate | 02-03-2011 21:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE
←Rate | 02-14-2011 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
←Rate | 02-14-2011 18:26 by Justinjrouser Comments (0)  

   messageicon come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...
←Rate | 02-15-2011 18:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
←Rate | 04-17-2011 23:08 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American
←Rate | 05-02-2011 20:59 by plasticmortal Comments (0)  

   messageicon How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep
←Rate | 05-18-2011 19:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
←Rate | 04-14-2012 19:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when you click a thumbnail to view a larger picture but the picture ends up being the same size as the thumbnail.
←Rate | 10-19-2011 03:06 by g0re Comments (0)  

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