Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
←Rate | 09-18-2012 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies
←Rate | 02-24-2013 23:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:51 by Mudda Comments (0)  

   messageicon When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.
←Rate | 05-27-2011 23:55 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
←Rate | 09-18-2011 02:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
←Rate | 08-10-2011 13:06 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
←Rate | 04-06-2011 23:14 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.
←Rate | 02-01-2011 09:57 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
←Rate | 06-09-2011 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...
←Rate | 07-02-2011 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated
←Rate | 05-04-2011 17:40 by punkie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves
←Rate | 08-24-2011 15:56 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.
←Rate | 09-28-2011 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,
←Rate | 12-19-2010 16:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”
←Rate | 01-20-2011 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.
←Rate | 01-26-2011 14:19 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
←Rate | 04-22-2010 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.
←Rate | 05-03-2010 17:26 by Joser Comments (1)  

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