Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 130 of 5826

   messageicon No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
←Rate | 09-18-2011 02:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
←Rate | 08-10-2011 13:06 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
←Rate | 04-06-2011 23:14 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.
←Rate | 01-30-2011 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.
←Rate | 02-01-2011 09:57 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
←Rate | 06-09-2011 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...
←Rate | 07-02-2011 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated
←Rate | 05-04-2011 17:40 by punkie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves
←Rate | 08-24-2011 15:56 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.
←Rate | 09-28-2011 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,
←Rate | 12-19-2010 16:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”
←Rate | 01-20-2011 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.
←Rate | 01-26-2011 14:19 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
←Rate | 04-22-2010 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.
←Rate | 05-03-2010 17:26 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so much I put a ding on it."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...
←Rate | 06-11-2010 01:26 by Señor Frog Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 04:31 by KOC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.
←Rate | 10-14-2010 22:56 by Aaron Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left