Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel