Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 13 of 5796

   messageicon How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:29 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 11:59 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
←Rate | 10-30-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:50 by psycho Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
←Rate | 10-29-2017 21:32 by Spence Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 18:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 15:04 by MAGAconservative Comments (3)  


   messageicon I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....
←Rate | 10-29-2017 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
←Rate | 10-29-2017 11:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B
←Rate | 10-29-2017 05:18 Comments (0)  



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