Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 13 of 5915

   messageicon If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?
←Rate | 05-28-2018 06:55 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 23:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 23:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."
←Rate | 05-27-2018 20:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 07:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..
←Rate | 05-27-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love
←Rate | 05-27-2018 00:26 by @DJPhatJ Comments (0)  


   messageicon Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 21:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 17:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
←Rate | 05-26-2018 16:43 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:32 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:26 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  


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