Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 13 of 5915

   messageicon If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?
←Rate | 05-28-2018 06:55 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 23:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."
←Rate | 05-27-2018 20:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 07:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..
←Rate | 05-27-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love
←Rate | 05-27-2018 00:26 by @DJPhatJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 17:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
←Rate | 05-26-2018 16:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:28 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:26 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  

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