lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.