Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   Bill Clinton is the only Democrat who is happy right now because it wasn't his Wiener that got Hillary in trouble

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, she needs a glucose guardian.

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.