Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.

   According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.

   First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.

   If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

   Legally only qualifies as a hootenanny if it takes place in Kentucky or West Virginia.

   You want to seduce me? Try a little Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.

   Anything with Hilary or Trump I just scroll without reading all the crap. From an English man looking for a decent status.

   You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.