Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see the mother in law's put up a new profile pic! It's got 23 yikes already!

   Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth

   Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?

   Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate

   If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette

   Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

   MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.

   Laundry: Washing - 30 min Drying - 1 hour Putting away - 7 to 10 days

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I do all of my ironing in the dryer.

   If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.