Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America is in labor now, in a few short hours we will find out if it's a boy or a girl.

   I hope America is happy. Canada doesnt want Whoopie either :/

   Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them

   My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.

   Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.

   If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.

   I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.

   Thanks to a 60" HD TV, a DVR, and a "pause" button on my remote, it only took 3 hours for me to watch the 1 hour Victoria Secrets show.

   My New Years Resolution for 2016 is to stop procrastinating.

   The Movie/Book "50 Shades of Grey" was only romantic because the dude was a freakin Billionaire. Heck .... If he lived in a Trailer ... The story would have actually been an episode of "Criminal Minds"

   Wondering why everyone says "I'm not worried about ME driving in the snow. It's all the idiots out there." At some point, someone has to be that idiot.

   I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.

   there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?

   I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.

   The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the heck up". And now we wonder why so many kids feel like they need everything...

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.