Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 16:48 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
←Rate | 03-20-2018 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.
←Rate | 03-24-2018 11:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door
←Rate | 04-03-2018 05:56 Comments (1)  


   messageicon So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"
←Rate | 04-11-2018 13:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”
←Rate | 04-12-2018 13:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!
←Rate | 04-13-2018 14:51 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 09:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
←Rate | 08-27-2020 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.
←Rate | 08-27-2020 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...
←Rate | 09-10-2020 12:20 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it
←Rate | 09-25-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  




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