Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heading out for a weekend camping trip. Anybody know the WiFi password for "the woods"?

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.

   Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."

   The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.

   In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.

   Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.

   According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.

   First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.