Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only there were some way to be outraged by BOTH the brutal murders of brave cops AND the brutal murders of innocent citizens

   I think my neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm not very good at gardening.

   Lady, I hope this doesn't surprise you but I am pretty sure your boobs go inside your shirt.

   You know you're old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian

   I thought there'd be more sex during my sexual prime.

   I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitos.

   Military coup in Turkey. Terrorism in France. Massacre in Dallas. "Day Of Rage" across the US. Ghostbusters remake in theaters. I want to move....to a different planet.

   Darwin would praise Pokemon Go for weeding out the weak links.

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   Always the bridesmaid never The Batman.

   Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   According to Facebook, Jaden Smith has committed suicide 11 times in the last week.