Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?

   Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.

   The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.

   I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

   Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you will have to ask yourself,"am I dating a human or an onion?"

   The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

   My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi