Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!!

   Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

   Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

   I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...

   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

   Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.

   I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.

   If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

   using Scotch Blue Painter's tape instead of Duct Tape because she wants it rough, yet romantic.

   I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes

   Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   She was my world, until I found another planet.

   dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.