Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.

   There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   HA ... According to the Democr@ts and the DNC those so called "Russian Hackers" were much better than we thought!! Apparently they were actually able to hack Hillary's emails from the NSA, Put them on Huma's laptop and then pin it on Mr. Weiner.

   " I have known @nthony Weiner for a long long time and consider him a very good friend, His sudden impending suspicious suicide will take a serious toll on all of us." ----- Hillary Clinton

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   'Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

   No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?

   My credit score has a McDonald's application stapled to it.