Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.

   So riots are part of phase one of the reopening?

   I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."