snotty Funny Status Messages

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   Word Problem: If Scott has 2 bananas for lunch and a dollar seventy nine in change, how likely is it he'll go get an order of onion rings?

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   I often pick my dog's poop up with an empty Baby-Ruth wrapper... What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

   Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.

   Trump suggests soldiers suffering from PTSD aren't mentally strong.. But EVERYONE knows the true sign of mental strength, is faking bone spurs to avoid serving in Vietnam.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   [Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]

   Okay atheists, if God doesn't exist, then explain women who like Star Wars

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   The grass is green where you water it.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.