Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send