Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think They should make a Pregnancy app. You just pee on your phone and it tells you if you are pregnant. Your move apple!

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.