Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.

   This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.

   -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator

   Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

   People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

   All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.

   I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

   Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to

   Thanks, but I think I'll pass on clicking on your link that scans all my personal facebook information into some unknown database to tell me what color my aura is.

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

   Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.