Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think They should make a Pregnancy app. You just pee on your phone and it tells you if you are pregnant. Your move apple!
←Rate | 11-11-2010 11:17 by Boo Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.
←Rate | 09-29-2013 02:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
←Rate | 10-27-2013 12:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.
←Rate | 03-03-2011 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”
←Rate | 08-01-2011 04:43 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
←Rate | 04-10-2012 01:15 by tomthedj Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 17:53 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:53 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
←Rate | 09-02-2012 06:08 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:53 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
←Rate | 08-10-2012 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 11:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately
←Rate | 12-11-2013 06:21 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter
←Rate | 02-17-2014 05:24 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
←Rate | 12-18-2011 11:07 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 18:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.
←Rate | 03-14-2013 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
←Rate | 01-08-2015 17:07 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.
←Rate | 03-23-2010 15:34 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.
←Rate | 03-01-2010 07:51 by markf Comments (1)  

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