Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them
←Rate | 11-23-2019 21:39 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.
←Rate | 12-25-2019 11:09 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.
←Rate | 01-02-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.
←Rate | 01-11-2020 19:06 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
←Rate | 01-13-2020 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
←Rate | 01-14-2020 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.
←Rate | 01-20-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?
←Rate | 01-23-2020 06:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.
←Rate | 01-30-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
←Rate | 02-04-2020 10:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.
←Rate | 02-06-2020 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to
←Rate | 02-11-2020 18:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks, but I think I'll pass on clicking on your link that scans all my personal facebook information into some unknown database to tell me what color my aura is.
←Rate | 02-13-2020 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
←Rate | 02-18-2020 06:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.
←Rate | 02-19-2020 10:32 Comments (0)  

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