Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   The WHO doesn't deserve funding since they haven't put out an album since the 1970's.

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.