Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:52 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!
←Rate | 11-06-2012 07:03 by FLA PAULY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.
←Rate | 05-02-2014 16:16 by Mark M Comments (1)  

   messageicon Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
←Rate | 01-08-2014 12:57 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
←Rate | 04-28-2014 03:43 by Udit Comments (1)  

   messageicon I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.
←Rate | 10-25-2010 09:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
←Rate | 09-13-2012 12:32 by milsfinest Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
←Rate | 09-07-2011 16:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
←Rate | 10-19-2010 01:59 by PL Comments (3)  

   messageicon I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".
←Rate | 10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all
←Rate | 01-29-2010 14:29 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
←Rate | 01-05-2015 19:02 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....
←Rate | 05-20-2015 16:16 by Mark M Comments (2)  

   messageicon Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...
←Rate | 10-15-2012 16:27 Comments (2)  

   messageicon What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 01:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
←Rate | 04-01-2013 22:59 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (0)  

   messageicon f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon watched a bunny hop past me and into bushes and thought "What if I'm supposed to follow it?"
←Rate | 10-31-2011 22:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...
←Rate | 03-10-2012 14:30 by Jon Comments (0)  

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