Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
←Rate | 10-21-2020 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
←Rate | 11-20-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
←Rate | 10-09-2019 06:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
←Rate | 12-19-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.
←Rate | 10-12-2019 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 17:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My math teacher called me average. How mean!
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 20:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.
←Rate | 10-28-2019 11:23 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated
←Rate | 10-30-2019 16:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 07:59 by DocNoland Comments (0)  

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