Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.