Funny Status Messages

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.