Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm far from distancing my self from anything.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 04:25 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  

   messageicon .. Laddies if a man says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's look at your brother.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 04:21 by Ha.ha Comments (3)  

   messageicon I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’
←Rate | 09-18-2018 16:41 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages
←Rate | 09-18-2018 08:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead
←Rate | 09-18-2018 07:49 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 07:42 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?
←Rate | 09-18-2018 02:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 21:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 21:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 20:19 by milady Comments (0)  

   messageicon He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!
←Rate | 09-17-2018 17:49 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 17:35 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?
←Rate | 09-17-2018 13:00 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 11:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?
←Rate | 09-17-2018 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 02:22 Comments (0)  

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