Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 03:54 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 02:27 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon With all of trump's space force talk. Will he soon refer him self as the new rocket man?
←Rate | 06-30-2018 22:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump to visit the U.K. in the next two weeks. That will only give him 14 days to learn how to speak english.
←Rate | 06-30-2018 20:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
←Rate | 06-29-2018 23:25 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.
←Rate | 06-29-2018 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.
←Rate | 06-29-2018 20:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
←Rate | 06-29-2018 14:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)
←Rate | 06-29-2018 12:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.
←Rate | 06-29-2018 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who has no heart, brains or courage? The tinman, scarecrow and lion. Who did you think I meant?
←Rate | 06-29-2018 00:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 22:40 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 22:30 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess Joe Jackson coulsnt even 'Beat it' to death
←Rate | 06-28-2018 13:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 11:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller
←Rate | 06-28-2018 11:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 10:00 by MediaGuy Comments (0)  

   messageicon George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."
←Rate | 06-28-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 05:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

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