Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 16:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
←Rate | 06-06-2018 00:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge
←Rate | 06-16-2018 11:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An Einstein bagel and a Smart Water for breakfast... Somehow I feel dumb paying $13 for that.
←Rate | 06-19-2018 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haven’t been able to show my face at the nearby McDonalds since I accidentally asked for a happy ending.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 21:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.
←Rate | 07-03-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.
←Rate | 07-05-2018 02:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m the way I am because of that very first time I sneezed and no one blessed me.
←Rate | 07-13-2018 00:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
←Rate | 07-13-2018 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?
←Rate | 07-22-2018 09:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?
←Rate | 07-22-2018 15:16 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football
←Rate | 07-26-2018 10:01 by Kado Comments (0)  

   messageicon Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"
←Rate | 07-28-2018 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:48 Comments (0)  

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