Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 20:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.
←Rate | 10-28-2019 11:23 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated
←Rate | 10-30-2019 16:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I consider the seven deadly sins to be my best personality traits.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 07:59 by DocNoland Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them
←Rate | 11-23-2019 21:39 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.
←Rate | 12-25-2019 11:09 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.
←Rate | 01-02-2020 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.
←Rate | 01-11-2020 19:06 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon -first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who pretend they don't know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
←Rate | 01-13-2020 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
←Rate | 01-14-2020 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  

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