Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.

   “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

   Look, all I am saying is that you never see The Predator and Whoopi Goldberg in the same room at the same time.

   I think we'll be seeing a lot more of Alec Baldwin on SNL the next few years.

   When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

   America is no longer a nation that believes in the "Rule of Law" ..... We have now descended into a nation of "Mob Justice" .... God help us all ...

   Canada is like a really nice apartment above a meth lab .

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

   Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

   Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

   At the bar last night, some woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at Darts.

   If gas prices keep going up I’m cutting off the bottom of my car and I’m “Flintstoning it"

   IF SOMEBODY SENDS ME ONE MORE FARMVILLE INVITE THEN I WILL KILL YOU'RE ANIMALS AND SET FIRE TO YOU'RE CROPS!!!!!!!!!

   4 out of 5 fingers agree that you're a good driver.

   I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during last night's riots in Baltimore. Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 1 of their methods of public transport like that.

   When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

   Man was sent to Earth to suffer, Woman was sent to Earth to make sure it happens.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon section, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.