Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   I know two wrongs doesn't make a right, but I'm determined to find out just how many wrongs will.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   I am used but in good condition

   Darthvader should of been made to pay back dated child support for Luke!

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   Look at it this way... If Walmart didn't exist, those people could shop ANYWHERE.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   No one wants to work. Work sucks, it's just that eating thing we all like to do

   thinks someone needs to falcon punch Gucci Mane in his ice cream loving face...

   googling for Honest Politicians but the search keeps coming as "0" search found.