Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   Gas is dropping...we must have secured an oil rig in the middle east...

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   Ah...the old "saran wrap over the groundhog hole" trick. Gets'em every time!

   Facebook Commandment IV: Thou shalt not post music videos more than a quantity of 5 within a half-hour period lest you drive thou neighbors to drink.

   Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment

   "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress like sleazy and encourage us." The guy who invented cheerleading.

   Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

   Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

   I have decided that I am going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and I don't care who I have to kill to do it.

   Everyone has that one special person in their life who keeps them looking forward to another day. If you don't then maybe that special person is yourself.

   If somebody does a backflip, they automatically become a bada$$.

   Don't you wish common sense would make a big comeback.

   that akward moment,when you go to a public restroom and the seat is warm!!