Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taylor Swifts "Shake it Off" is about what her lovers did when they realized she was bad in bed.

   Today's yoga position is called "the underpaid employee"... It involves bending over and kissing ass at the same time.

   it's my sons third birthday tomorrow... Due to budget constraints we're not gonna tell him!!!!

   Almost 60,000 people from Glastonbury area sign petition asking Glastonbury Festival planners to cancel Kanye West performance. The citizen's petition states "Beyonce would be better"

   thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I've done a lot of "marathons"

   I guess everyone can stop pretending that they are interested in boxing

   OK. So who else has a wife who says "Honey, will you taste this milk to see if it isn't spoiled?"

   .... You are entitled to NOTHING .... If you want something ..... Go out and EARN IT!!!!

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't erupted in over 40 years.

   Remember: No matter what anyone tells you, you are not worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   You know what’s more annoying than worrying about a cop pulling you over? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...

   A woman can only run as fast as her boobs let her!

   my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta