Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?
←Rate | 09-25-2019 04:09 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
←Rate | 10-06-2019 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
←Rate | 12-20-2019 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
←Rate | 10-09-2019 06:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
←Rate | 12-19-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.
←Rate | 10-12-2019 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 17:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My math teacher called me average. How mean!
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  

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