Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

   Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.

   Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

   My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

   It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.