Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.