Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.