Funny Status Messages
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i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website 
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...
I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.
It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.
I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.
Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?
We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.
Polls are good for three things, skiing, fishing and strippers.
Stop saying you're moving out of the country. You can't even move out of your parents house so you're not going anywhere. Shut up already.
If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....
You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.
Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized
Bought all of my Christmas gifts really early this year, Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes
Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple. 