Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is alway a cop posing as a prostitute.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.

   Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   The sigh of relief when you realize the song playing is "Under Pressure" not "Ice Ice Baby"

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   Never mind those 2 N.K. subs that are missing, and more than likely are on there way to San Francisco.

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!

   Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.

   Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!