Funny Status Messages

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?