Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   That akward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive