Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.

   Like what about tall apartment buildings? Does Santa ride the elevator to each floor? How does he carry all the presents in one bag and how does he get into the apartments? I can't wrap my mind around it.

   Wrapping some Christmas presents and just want to say that if any of you get a really nice pair of scissors from me I need them back.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   How much baking soda per kilo is it again ?

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   Nice tree dad, are you going to put it up yourself? No, I'm going to set it up in the house...

   You want to make everything electric? Let's start with the border fences.

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I have exciting news. Today I used a piece of plywood, that I've kept in my garage since 2003, incase I might need it.

   I find it interesting how some women won't date a man that lives with his mother, but will date a man that lives with his wife.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   My ability to remember all of the lyrics from the 80s, Far exceeds my memory of why I just walked into the kitchen..

   I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

   If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

   Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!