Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
←Rate | 08-26-2018 04:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .
←Rate | 08-25-2018 19:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.
←Rate | 08-25-2018 18:36 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
←Rate | 08-25-2018 06:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?
←Rate | 08-25-2018 04:14 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
←Rate | 08-25-2018 03:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.
←Rate | 08-24-2018 09:50 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!
←Rate | 08-24-2018 09:43 by YouWho Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the baby ain't yo color, Ya ain't the Daddy Brotha !
←Rate | 08-23-2018 22:12 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"
←Rate | 08-23-2018 18:32 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!
←Rate | 08-23-2018 18:27 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 15:14 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Service so bad the waitress owes you money
←Rate | 08-23-2018 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”
←Rate | 08-23-2018 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me
←Rate | 08-23-2018 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 11:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"
←Rate | 08-23-2018 10:57 Comments (0)  

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