Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:15 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:33 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ll always be the one who got away.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:05 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  

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