Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...
←Rate | 01-03-2020 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.
←Rate | 02-04-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.
←Rate | 03-03-2020 06:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
←Rate | 03-04-2020 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...
←Rate | 03-18-2020 09:32 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.
←Rate | 03-18-2020 12:13 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
←Rate | 03-27-2020 09:10 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
←Rate | 03-28-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.
←Rate | 04-16-2020 17:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.
←Rate | 05-12-2020 00:55 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating
←Rate | 10-10-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
←Rate | 10-12-2019 10:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 15:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .
←Rate | 12-11-2019 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.
←Rate | 12-10-2019 07:04 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  

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