Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 10:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 05:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
←Rate | 12-09-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Sociopath: The Sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are Guilty of. They do this to deflect attention from themselves.
←Rate | 11-13-2017 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.
←Rate | 11-18-2017 05:19 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.
←Rate | 11-20-2017 22:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.
←Rate | 05-31-2018 18:06 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  


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