Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
←Rate | 01-23-2020 12:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
←Rate | 02-18-2020 16:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
←Rate | 02-29-2020 18:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy
←Rate | 03-04-2020 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
←Rate | 03-04-2020 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.
←Rate | 03-11-2020 18:31 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn
←Rate | 03-31-2020 12:42 by MrSharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?
←Rate | 04-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up
←Rate | 04-26-2020 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631
←Rate | 11-15-2018 22:19 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)
←Rate | 11-18-2018 14:49 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
←Rate | 11-20-2018 15:23 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?
←Rate | 12-14-2018 04:12 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't
←Rate | 12-24-2018 22:06 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire...
←Rate | 02-03-2019 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth
←Rate | 03-15-2019 18:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:58 Comments (0)  

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