Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.
←Rate | 04-29-2022 00:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.
←Rate | 07-07-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.
←Rate | 01-11-2023 00:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 10:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your face makes onions cry.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.
←Rate | 06-05-2022 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 00:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 00:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.
←Rate | 04-20-2022 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.
←Rate | 07-07-2022 00:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 02:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.
←Rate | 06-30-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  

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