Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

   I feel like I am watching two middle aged house wives arguing over whose cookie recipe is better.

   I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.

   All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute

   The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.

   How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.

   I accidently switched my TV to the Aljezeera station and now there's a helicopter over my house...

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   Someday my neighbors will describe me as "Just a quiet guy who kept to himself."

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   Any guy that makes your girl laugh…pull your head out of your ass and start worrying about him.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.

   I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...

   Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bulls hit.

   Dear pro athletes. It doesn't matter how big your contract is, in 5 years you'll be just as bankrupt...