Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium

   I think there should be an internation law mandating that Kate Beckinsale wear black latex body suits 365 days a year.

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."

   Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have been seen wearing t-shirts that read:It`s God`s job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting! ~United States Marine Corps~

   Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.

   Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”

   Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

   Putting a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make you a cupcake

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.

   Tip 4 Ladies: Please stop asking us questions like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" Because the answer will be NO. It's NOT the jeans making you look fat. It's all the meat UNDER the jeans that's making you look fat

   I used to love hungary-hungary hippo..... what other game lets you slap somthing on the butt to open it's mouth and swallow balls?

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You� �have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   I hate when I sing a song and the artist gets it wrong

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.