Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!