Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility! 
woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.
Adults do have cooties..........We call it STD's
Why does a talk show host have an interview with another talk show host; to talk about another talk show host? (Oprah, Leno, Conan)
just read an article on heavy drinking and it scared the sh*t out of me! So thats it!! After today no more f*cking reading!!
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
always and never are two words you should always remember to never use....
thinks reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either
I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.
Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.
It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
you know the economy is bad when you walk by a can on the ground and think: dammit I should've picked that up!
"Treat others the way you want to be treated" is bullsh*t. All it's ever gotten me is a restraining order.
WEDDING: Point at which a male's opinions become utterly worthless.
should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
■Unlike drugs, Facebook addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
Genius - The ability to produce fantastic amounts of equally fantastic bullsh*t that all makes perfect sense 