Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.

   maybe Disney should start having there girls sign contracts before making them famous. Like, "I Promise I will not be America's next pop wh*re if I get this part..."

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   Sometimes a guy will say he’s “fine” when in fact he’s actually fine.

   If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I'll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark

   Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!

   I wsh mirrors, pictures, and what I think I look like would get together and agree on what I really look like!!!

   The way Police check to see if you're wearing your seat belt they should do to make sure ''Certain'' people are wearing Condoms!!!

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   If you have at least 3 friends you can depend on to help you hide a body, Your enemies should be Very Worried!

   The mosquito's are requesting a human sacrifice, please send help.

   My face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.