Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   ‎$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo...

   Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

   NEWS FLASH: 2 air traffic controllers fired for sleeping on the job, someone might want to wake them up to tell them the news.......

   Sorry if my sarcasm offends you. Not really.

   sayin...I hope all of Osama's Vigins look like Janet Reno!!!

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   the next thing Casey Anthony googles better be "Self Defense"

   I'm smart my lightbulb just flickers sometimes.

   Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

   Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.