Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry if my sarcasm offends you. Not really.

   sayin...I hope all of Osama's Vigins look like Janet Reno!!!

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   the next thing Casey Anthony googles better be "Self Defense"

   I'm smart my lightbulb just flickers sometimes.

   Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

   Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.

   Where have you been my whole life? And could you please go back there?

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.