lemonpillow Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.
←Rate | 08-03-2010 18:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.
←Rate | 08-03-2010 05:13 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..
←Rate | 08-03-2010 05:09 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.
←Rate | 08-01-2010 11:48 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"
←Rate | 08-01-2010 07:35 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"
←Rate | 08-01-2010 04:29 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.
←Rate | 07-30-2010 13:23 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
←Rate | 07-29-2010 13:58 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time
←Rate | 07-29-2010 13:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 14:09 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 19:02 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  


   messageicon I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 18:53 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 13:19 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."
←Rate | 07-25-2010 10:22 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.
←Rate | 07-25-2010 10:05 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
←Rate | 07-25-2010 10:01 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.
←Rate | 07-24-2010 05:55 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away
←Rate | 07-24-2010 05:53 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..
←Rate | 07-22-2010 13:41 by lemonpillow Comments (3)  


   messageicon People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 16:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  




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