Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
←Rate | 08-02-2018 22:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions
←Rate | 09-13-2018 13:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
←Rate | 09-21-2018 23:06 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.
←Rate | 10-10-2018 22:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
←Rate | 04-04-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
←Rate | 09-08-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  




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