Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
←Rate | 10-12-2019 10:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
←Rate | 12-11-2019 15:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .
←Rate | 12-11-2019 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.
←Rate | 12-10-2019 07:04 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 12:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
←Rate | 01-23-2020 12:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
←Rate | 02-18-2020 16:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
←Rate | 02-29-2020 18:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy
←Rate | 03-04-2020 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
←Rate | 03-04-2020 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.
←Rate | 03-11-2020 18:31 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn
←Rate | 03-31-2020 12:42 by MrSharp Comments (0)  

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