Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 10 of 6376
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Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.
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01-19-2023 04:18
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Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.
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06-05-2022 02:58
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If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
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06-08-2022 01:40
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Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.
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06-24-2022 00:48
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When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.
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06-24-2022 00:53
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It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.
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01-23-2023 03:56
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When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.
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04-20-2022 02:02
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Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”
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01-08-2023 12:09
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Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.
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01-08-2023 02:10
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It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.
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01-08-2023 15:07
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You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.
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07-07-2022 00:57
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
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01-09-2023 03:55
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Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.
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05-11-2022 00:53
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When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.
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06-07-2022 02:04
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There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.
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06-28-2022 23:45
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When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.
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06-30-2022 00:58
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You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.
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01-19-2023 04:06
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Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.
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04-17-2022 00:54
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If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.
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04-18-2022 21:48
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Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.
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04-19-2022 10:40
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