Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:52 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???
←Rate | 10-17-2017 15:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 20:10 by Pj Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
←Rate | 09-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
←Rate | 09-25-2017 23:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.
←Rate | 09-26-2017 00:33 by @iamsirajarifeen Comments (0)  

   messageicon T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!
←Rate | 09-26-2017 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...
←Rate | 10-12-2017 09:22 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.
←Rate | 06-04-2017 12:38 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:41 Comments (2)  

   messageicon My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
←Rate | 07-09-2017 10:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
←Rate | 07-11-2017 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.
←Rate | 07-17-2017 05:33 by Aerotim Comments (0)  

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