Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   I make 6 figures, but the zeroes are in the front.

   Your guitar is out of tuna. ~ Cat

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.