Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   “You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’