tomcall Funny Status Messages

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.

   I order the club sandwich all the time. I'm not even a member. I dunno how I get away with it.

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.

   When someone is waiting for you to leave so they can take your parking spot: 1) Pretent to turn key. 2) Exit car. 3) Open hood and look frustrated.

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.

   Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.