Maria Funny Status Messages

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

   No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   I wish I could collect all the tears you made me cry... so I could DROWN you in them!!

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   I hate When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?