Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   C’mere. Smell my finger.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?