Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by, "that's him officer"

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.