Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

   I look better in person.