Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 6339

   messageicon Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 01:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 19:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 14:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 15:00 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left