Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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I don't care about a politician's tax returns or birth certificates. What I want to see is their IQ test. 
If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?
If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.
Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!
Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.
When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked