Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5826

   messageicon Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
←Rate | 01-14-2019 17:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”
←Rate | 01-16-2019 00:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon C’mere. Smell my finger.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 00:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
←Rate | 12-04-2018 14:01 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
←Rate | 01-12-2019 10:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.
←Rate | 06-28-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.
←Rate | 09-20-2018 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now
←Rate | 12-09-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.
←Rate | 06-20-2018 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
←Rate | 06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.
←Rate | 09-25-2018 01:11 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
←Rate | 03-24-2018 00:59 by Guess.Who Comments (2)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!
←Rate | 12-18-2018 22:45 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.
←Rate | 11-18-2018 02:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You had me at “we have a warrant”
←Rate | 12-22-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.
←Rate | 01-09-2019 10:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning
←Rate | 01-10-2019 09:50 Comments (2)  


   messageicon How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?
←Rate | 01-11-2019 04:36 by Joker Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left