Markf Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:33 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
←Rate | 05-04-2018 22:12 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver
←Rate | 04-29-2018 20:33 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.
←Rate | 04-26-2018 08:10 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 11:09 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head
←Rate | 04-10-2018 15:21 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:14 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"
←Rate | 03-21-2018 10:10 by markf Comments (3)  


   messageicon I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:50 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 08:48 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:10 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:53 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?
←Rate | 02-07-2018 09:06 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door
←Rate | 01-28-2018 21:00 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:03 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
←Rate | 01-24-2018 16:05 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags
←Rate | 01-23-2018 15:07 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 20:25 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room
←Rate | 01-18-2018 21:37 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
←Rate | 01-16-2018 20:43 by markf Comments (0)  

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