Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump finally ends school shootings by banning school.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The NRA Is All About ‘Protecting Your Rights’, Unless You’re Black.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 23:39 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:53 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Abe Lincoln says to his neighbor, "Jim, your lawn is looking really un-kept". The neighbor replies, "I know, I use to have someone that took care of that for me. Thanks a lot, you d1ck!".
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:58 Comments (1)  

   messageicon All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 13:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would listen to everything Dana Loesch says because she's friggin' hot!
←Rate | 02-23-2018 12:56 Comments (2)  

   messageicon mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing
←Rate | 02-23-2018 12:33 Comments (0)  


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