Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I'm so classy, I'll pose for porn with my tits baring out, beside another nude female.

   Trump just declared himself a national emergency!

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

   a corndog is NOT a meat twinkie...it's a pancake d*ck!

   I want to go big AND go home.

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Yes, I'm a chick magnet. The problem is, I'm the side that repels. FML.

   If you have time to golf during a national emergency, I guess you must be doing something right.

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   I've just declared a national emergency! Now for some golf in Florida!

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.

   Kentucky man catches 20lb goldfish. Bet that willbe hard to flush down the toilet.

   This move by Trump is a sliding slope of abuse of powers. Next week he is gonna declare a national emergency if the White House is low on diet coke.