Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   Trump tweeted to thank Kayne West for wearing a stupid red hat, but not to James Shaw Jr. for stopping a murderer.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   I speak for ALL c0nservatives when I say that we all hate Obama because he's black. Any other c0nservatives says otherwise is a blatant lie!!!

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   America is more angry with black men taking a knee, than white men committing mass shootings.

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   Trump is taking away our right to protest. If you agree wirhvthat then maybe we should have the rights to take away your guns.

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!