Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?
←Rate | 07-21-2022 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.
←Rate | 07-03-2022 06:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 00:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.
←Rate | 06-13-2022 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 02:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 02:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Deleting history has become more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-24-2022 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.
←Rate | 05-25-2022 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.
←Rate | 05-28-2022 01:37 by Lilly_69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
←Rate | 07-30-2022 01:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
←Rate | 07-30-2022 01:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
←Rate | 07-30-2022 01:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.
←Rate | 04-20-2022 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.
←Rate | 07-04-2022 02:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.
←Rate | 07-21-2022 05:04 Comments (0)  

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