Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.