Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!