Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?
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07-21-2022 05:03
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Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.
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07-03-2022 06:37
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Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.
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07-23-2022 00:00
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I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”
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06-16-2022 03:18
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Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.
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06-10-2022 01:44
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If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.
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06-16-2022 03:17
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How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.
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06-10-2022 01:43
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I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.
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06-10-2022 01:40
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Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.
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06-13-2022 02:46
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I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.
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06-14-2022 02:53
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If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.
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06-14-2022 02:53
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Deleting history has become more important than making it.
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05-24-2022 05:07
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T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.
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05-25-2022 02:58
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Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.
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05-28-2022 01:37 by Lilly_69
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
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07-30-2022 01:55
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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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07-30-2022 01:55
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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
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07-30-2022 01:53
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The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.
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04-20-2022 02:02
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I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.
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07-04-2022 02:56
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Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.
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07-21-2022 05:04
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