Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”
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01-06-2023 18:28
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All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.
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01-04-2023 02:36
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According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
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01-04-2023 02:41
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Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?
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01-06-2023 01:15
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Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.
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01-06-2023 18:08
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Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
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01-13-2023 02:50
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Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
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01-07-2023 13:34
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Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
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01-13-2023 02:31
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You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
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01-18-2023 01:28
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Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.
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01-06-2023 19:59
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This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.
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01-13-2023 02:27
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Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
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01-19-2023 02:01
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
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01-19-2023 02:15
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You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.
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01-06-2023 18:19
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Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.
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01-07-2023 12:28
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Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
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01-07-2023 13:45
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.
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01-07-2023 14:29
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One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.
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01-19-2023 02:19
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You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.
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01-07-2023 15:00
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Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
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01-13-2023 02:20
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