Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   If your religion makes you hate someone, you need a new religion.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   Because of the Tariffs, Ford is having record sales and is the #1 car manufacturer in the world! In your face libbys!

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.