Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!