Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   I fart on a first date.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.