Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.
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01-12-2023 01:14
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Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
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01-07-2023 13:34
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(Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
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01-23-2023 02:54
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Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
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01-09-2023 02:48
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Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
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01-18-2023 01:15
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My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
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01-13-2023 02:44
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You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
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01-09-2023 03:00
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If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.
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01-07-2023 12:43
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The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.
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01-07-2023 12:12
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Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
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01-19-2023 02:09
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Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
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01-13-2023 02:16
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
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01-19-2023 02:15
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Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.
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01-06-2023 18:40
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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01-07-2023 12:58
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Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
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01-07-2023 13:45
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If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?
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01-06-2023 01:31
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We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
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01-13-2023 02:23
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If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
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01-10-2023 02:36
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You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.
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01-07-2023 15:00
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Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
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01-13-2023 02:20
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