Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
←Rate | 05-14-2018 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!
←Rate | 05-12-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
←Rate | 05-16-2018 23:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
←Rate | 05-12-2018 20:32 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
←Rate | 04-30-2018 13:48 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


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