Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon This is a country that outlawed “lawn darts” and the possession of a plant before it ever considered banning assault rifles.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:34 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:15 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have a box fan affix to the ceiling as a ceiling fan...... You might be a trupian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:49 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:33 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have two TV's together, one with the sound, the other with the picture...... You might be trumpian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your truck has curtians but your home windows don't...... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All aboard the Prison Bus...oops, I mean The Trump Train.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:30 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you come back home from the dump with more stuff then you left with...... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:57 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh Sunday, the official day of choreographed religion.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 04:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Haaaa pppy Mueller versary. Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy Mueller versary.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 01:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Witch hunt, witch hunt, whitch hunt. Another Jan Brady syndrome.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 01:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've got the "Who colluded with the colluder's if the colluder's didn't collude blues."
←Rate | 05-20-2018 00:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You've got a friend in me.... You've got a friend indeed..... Who can hook you up...... With hoo*ers that pee..... You've got a friend in me.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 00:23 Comments (0)  


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