MWC Funny Status Messages

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!

   If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot

   I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.

   What a lovely winter, we're having this spring!